I think I could say everyday is interesting because it is. I suppose it’s really just how you see things. Last night was rough. I couldn’t sleep. Around 12 midnight I got out of bed, which is in my van, and grabbed my computer. I started to write. The thing is I learned this trick a while back. If I can’t sleep and something is bothering me, it’s best to get it out and not let it stay in. And this is stuff I wrote. Please not this is not about how my friends hurt me. It’s about me. I love my friends.
A lot of this is gibberish. Some might not make sense. It’s not supposed to.
It was a really good day and I got a lot done but during the end of the day I had two interactions with friends that concerned me.
One of my friends was supposed to go camping with me a few weeks ago and something happened and the camping trip was cancelled. The other was a friend who I think is cool and we were supposed to meet and have a fun shoot. It didn’t happen either. I messaged one of them today and the other messaged. I noticed myself being a little standoffish and cold towards both of them and after I wondered why I cold towards them. I know they have their lives and I know for a fact that one of them had a great reason to cancel on me so why the coldness?
I do this when thing that really bother me and I don’t know why it’s such a big deal for me.
When someone let’s me down and push them away. I don’t know why. I know I’m not perfect and I let people down but for some reason I feel intense sadness when this happens and I don’t blame the person but I feel like it hurts so much I don’t know how to respond when they apologize or talk to me later.
So I push them away more.
I know it’s not rejection and it’s usually their life happening. Maybe its me wanting to feel important to others. I didn’t feel loved during my marriage and I feel like I’m not that important to others. I feel like I’m not valuable to others because they cancel on me. Is this true?
It is true I didn’t feel loved during my marriage but that has ended.
Does someone canceling on me mean I am not valuable or loved? That is not logic so no. I feel this way because I feel let down. It’s more like I feel when I was a kid and I wanted to go see a movie and then something happened and I couldn’t go. It’s not about me. It’s not personal. It’s just how life works and they have busy lives and I shouldn’t feel like I am not loved or cared about or not valuable because they had important things happen they had to take care of. ok ok. I know. It’s cause I don’t feel I will be loved or I will be abandoned. Self defense mechanism. Ok. Better better.
And it made it better! I slept after I got it out. I went to sleep around 2 and got up around 7. I went in and got my friends dog that I’ve been taking care of and headed to Heather’s house. We had a good chat. She’s a great friend. I have a lot of great friends.
Here is the thing that I took away from today.
We are all flawed. Me.. You.. my friends…. your friends…. Everyone.
It’s a flaw not to see other’s flaws as part of who they are and part of who they should be loved for.
I know I have my own flaws and to pick apart someone else for their and expect them to accept mine seems childish.
I suppose we all deserve a pass on a few things.
I ended up resting and napping most of the rest of the day.
Now I’m at a coffee shop writing this post and soon I’ll head over to my friend Cody’s house and hopefully take a shower, watch a movie with him and then I know I will sleep well tonight.
I’ll be in Salt Lake City for a few more days.
If you wanna shoot right now photo sessions are 250. Text me. 424-202-0476
You can reach me at
Ikon Republik- I live and travel in a frickin van and I founded a magazine, VEGA Magazine. My magazine is full of beautiful nude women and soon it will include amazing articles on how to improve your life! Out of the last 8 months, I have spent 4 of them living in the desert, under the stars and cooking over a campfire that was made with two sticks and a bow. I believe in self sufficiency and integrity. Now you know a little about who I am. My plan for touring the USA and teaching a workshop in every state is almost finished and I’m excited to start this big adventure!